| Well, Happy Independence Day everyone!A few reminders to make this an enjoyable holiday. First off…when it comes to fireworks, remember don’t just stand there. THROW THE DAMN THING!! Second of all nothing says Fourth of July like apple pie. But in retrospect some observations are now coming to mind… |
| I remember in history class, those pictures of medieval castles under siege, with the folks pouring scalding hot tar and oil down on the invaders…well it wasn’t hot tar. It was apple pie. In this modern world where we can just buy apple pie in the store and cut it up and eat it, we have lost our respect for the hot apple pie. When you finally actually COOK a real apple pie in the oven for the first time, you are about to be reconnected with that lost respect. |
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| The timer goes off, you open the oven door, and there it is! A splendid looking apple pie just begging to be snatched up and eaten. But beneath the innocuous appearance lies something unexpected. You remember in those childhood cartoons, how the antagonist would always snatch the pie cooling on the window sill? I always used to think, “why on earth would someone just leave that pie out on the window sill like that?”. Well now I know.
You see, a hot apple pie is not really a pie at all when it is removed from the oven. It is really a flimsy pie plate filled with a super heated molten sugar goo. Unfortunately you don’t realize this until you have latched onto the pie tin which buckles at the unsupported center and begins to spill. Now your brain is too busy finding ways to save the pie which has taken you 2 hours to make, to notice just exactly where the molten filling is going. While you are waffling between returning it to the oven or dropping it in the sink you become aware of the filling. Apple pie filling adheres to flesh in a manner that makes napalm look like tap water. It also has an uncanny knack for finding those hard to reach places better than any smart bomb the US has in its arsenal. That warm feeling that you are getting down south… yup, you guessed it! Ever see a grown man trying to contort his body so that he can get his crotch into a kitchen sink?? Not a pretty sight. So to repeat a few Fourth of July Safety rules, when it comes to Fireworks or hot apple pie, remember don’t just stand there. THROW THE DAMN THING!! |
